F*ck Yeah LGBT

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Posts tagged closeted

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Heterosexuals don’t “come out,” so why do gay people?

From the book Is It a Choice?

Straight people don’t have to come out of the closet, because they’ve never been in one. They’ve never been compelled to lie about or hide their sexual orientation, because they live in a society that accepts and celebrates it.

Growing up, heterosexual boys and girls think nothing of talking about a crush on a friend, rock star, or famous actor or actress. When they’re old enough to date, they can introduce their opposite-gender romantic interest to friends and parents, and they can hold hands with that person while walking down the street. At work, they can speak freely about their girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, or wife without fear of losing their job. They can put a picture of a spouse on their desk with no questions asked. They have no need to let people know in a specific way what their sexual orientation is, because their actions and words over time let everyone know that they’re heterosexual.

Most gay and lesbian people grow up hiding their thoughts, crushes, and relationships. Typically, they enter adolescence or young adulthood with the closely held secret that they’re gay or lesbian. Some have gone to great lengths to hide their secret, perhaps dating opposite-gender partners or even marrying. Eventually, many gay men and women choose to reveal the truth about their sexual orientation, but because they’ve kept that part of their lives secret up until that point, disclosure occurs all at once and may come as a shock to friends and loved ones.

I look forward to the day when all kids growing up feel no need to hide their true feelings, a day when gay and lesbian kids have no need to come out of the closet because they’ve never been in one.

Filed under closeted

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Stages in Coming Out

Identity Confusion

Sees self as member of mainstream group. Denial of inner feelings.

Identity Comparison

Begin to come out of the “fog.”

Identity Tolerance 

Encounter someone or something that breaks through the denial system.

Identity Acceptance 

Exploring subculture activities, readings, etc.

Identity Pride

Feel arrogance/pride in new identity and deep rage toward majority culture. May adopt/heighten stereotypical behaviors or characteristics (i.e. “I’m different and proud of it!”. May isolate self from mainstream values and activities.

Identity Synthesis 

Acceptance and integration of new identity. May go through five stages of grief to let go of old identity and all advantages of heterosexual privilege. Internalize pride/positive feelings about identity. Typically is “out” (with friends, family, at work). More at peace with self.

Filed under closeted submission

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Another response to my coming out

Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I feel like am learning things I never EVER would have known before. I especially love the gay and christian questions in your FAQ because I completely agree and I know my parents do too…for the most part. 

Mom’s a pretty catholicy catholic but one of her best friends in the whole world is gay and she would love nothing more to see him happily married or at least with someone. 

Dad as you know is a pastor (for PCUSA which i saw from your blog is very tolerant. awesome. i am so glad I chose to be Presbyterian :) )…but i think he might feel uncomfortable about the marriage thing based on the bible. He’s not against the relationship or in any way thinks its sinful. Perhaps one day I’ll show him your faq.

I am a straight ally. For sure. For life. (:

and if you ever need someone to talk to (though you have lots of people who love you and are close to you already) feel free to come to me…i am a pretty good listener


Becca <— You should follow her :] 

Filed under closeted

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Closeted/Coming Out FAQ

How do I come out?

Everyone comes out differently. Here are just some ways:

  • Sit them down for a talk and Q&A when they aren’t busy
  • Make a joke of it. I once said to a friend, ‘Let’s get one thing straight, I’m not’ and that worked fine
  • Come out on National Coming Out Day
  • Don’t come out! Live your life dedicated to LGBT issues and causes and make them ask you

Some helpful links I have are I’m Coming Out tumblr, When I Came Out tumblra post I made where over 100 people briefly shared their coming out, 101 Ways to Come Out of the Closet, and HRC’s Resource Guide to Coming Out

The best advice I can give is to be confident in coming out, be ready to handle rejection or disbelief, and think of responses to possible questions they may have or comments they may say. And good luck! <3

How do I find other LGBT people or find a relationship?

If you’re still in school or in college, joining or founding a GSA is an easy way to meet other LGBT people. Making it known you’re LGBT is an easy way for others to seek you instead of you having to search for them. You’d be surprised how many more gay people are out there than you’d think. The 2nd person I came out to in high school responded by saying, “I am too.” I would have never known that if I didn’t have the courage to come out to her first. This link and this one as well provide information about LGBT centers in your area. If you’re still looking to meet people, see if you can march in a pride parade, or attend a PFLAG meeting. 

At what age is it best to come out?

I think when you’re ready, mature, and sure of your sexuality, you can come out. If you’re 12, 13, 14, and you know you are LGBT, I will not deny this but it’s likely others will. Some people will claim to be gay because it’s an ‘in’ thing. Oftentimes, when people come out at a younger age, others will have doubt. I’d suggest waiting until you get a bit older but it’s a personal decision. 

Who do I come out to first?

This all depends on you. The first person everyone needs to come out to is themselves. After that, telling people will get easier. The first person I told was a stranger online because I knew they would not judge me and I was looking for advice. Talking anonymously to someone helped me a lot. If not anonymously, I’d suggest the person you tell first is someone trustworthy. Maybe a sibling, parent, family friend or best friend. Even if your best friend doesn’t believe or accept you, as a best friend, they should still stand by your side. 

More to be added, so check back! Check out the other FAQs here!

Filed under FAQ closeted

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Coming Out?

For the benefit of our closeted friends, to help inspire them, I’d like you to please describe your coming out in the short amount of space designated by tumblr’s ‘answer’ function. Keep it short and simple everyone! Thank you! <3

Filed under closeted